Brush Up on Small Talk Techniques

Summer is the season of vacations and meeting new people. Think of small talk as a way to get to know others and broaden your horizons.

Good conversations are the result of being aware of your surroundings, and small talk makes up a large part of our conversations every day. “Small talk” is that style of informal, non-intrusive talk that we engage in with people we know and strangers alike. Comments about the crazy city traffic, your favorite sport, or the restaurant you happen to be at are like connective tissue in our society. This form of conversation helps us test the waters of opinion and interest, thus allowing us to establish temporary relationships with the people around us.

Right at the beginning of her book Fierce Conversations, Susan Scott makes the point that the conversation equals the relationship. If you think about it, you don’t really carry forth a relationship with people you don’t talk to, so learning how to express your thoughts, clarify doubts, and resolve conflict should be a fairly high priority on our list of communication skills.

The ongoing conversation I have been having with my wife is not about the relationship. The conversation is the relationship.

- David Whyte, from Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott

So whether you’re in English class, at the office, with family, or in a room filled with strangers, the words that come out of your mouth matter. Those are your relationships with the people close to you and those you might only see once in your lifetime.

How do we start a conversation successfully? Asking a question about today’s weather or complimenting someone about their hairstyle or clothing can break the ice and make way for a conversation. These are examples of “making small talk”.¹

Typically, small talk is supposed to be safe and non-judgmental. It’s a good idea to avoid hot topics like politics and religion, and other issues that people feel strongly about. The video below explains the psychological benefits of becoming good at this type of communication and throws in a few tips to help out.

Learn to ask real questions

First of all, let’s think about the grammatical structure of a question. In English, the word order of the sentence and the intonation change. Look at this example:

You are hungry.

Are you hungry?

I have read the book.

Have you read the book?

I want to have a coffee.

Do you want to have a coffee?

If you read them out loud, the statements (with the period/full stop at the end) will end with a lower pitch and the questions will end with a higher pitch. Switching word order is necessary to form a correct question. As you can see, with the verb “to be” and “to have”, we put the verb in front of the subject, but any other verb needs “do” as a helping verb (or auxiliary verb) to make it possible to form the question.

When forming questions with modal verbs (can, could, should, will, etc.), just put the correct modal verb in front of the subject and the main verb behind the subject.

And that brings us to another important point: English requires a subject word, unlike other languages, which incorporate the subject number into the verb form. The question, “Are hungry?” is grammatically incorrect, although easy to understand.

I notice the subject dropping habit also in sentences that start with “It is…”. Many people drop the “it”. Errors like these happen when lower-level English students don’t drill and don’t have the opportunity to speak to others. The errors then become ingrained habits that are difficult to change.

If you need to practice speaking with a professional teacher, I am accepting new students. Hit the button below to ask me about courses and rates.

Strong small talk

When you first meet someone, remember that they are probably a little nervous too. Maybe they feel awkward just like you do, even though they look put together and confident. So ask them about what is going on at the moment.

Do you like the food here?

Did you have trouble finding parking?

What did you like about the presentation?

People love to talk about what they like, and they respond well when you seem truly interested. Silence your phone and put it away so that you won’t be interrupted. Make eye contact, unless you know that the other person’s culture doesn’t appreciate that. Treat them with the respect you would want to receive from others.

And then ask follow-up questions…

Agree or disagree politely, add your own observations, or ask for more information. Be safe and respectful, but don’t pull back. Networking is crucial, no matter what line of work you are in right now.

Below, I’m sharing an in-depth video from a psychologist with some concrete advice about making small talk. Dr. Thomas Smithyman talks about environments when interaction is required or expected, and what types of openers and follow-up questions to use. He also explores environments where you don’t expect conversations to start, such as being in a public place where everyone is doing their own thing.

It’s quite informative and will give you lots to think about, such as how people give short answers when they want a conversation to end. Therefore, if we want to create a conversation, we need to add more detail.

Enjoy your conversations

I hope you’ve got some new talking points now. Remember, conversation is a skill that we can build every day and with every interaction. Leave a comment and tell me what you like to talk about when you make small talk.

Talk to you soon,

Marsha

1. I want to call attention to the verb in “making small talk”. We don’t do it; we make it.